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Feeling Uncomfortable...What If Things AREN'T As They APPEAR To Be!

Posted by on in Tina Lifford
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For today's personal development life skills check in, let’s tackle what I call the “Interpersonal ‘I Assumes.’  You know. We’ve all done it. Those cases when everything "seems" to point to the conclusion that says there's a problem between you and someone else, or that someone is "thinking" a certain way about you, or YOU have drawn negative conclusions you feel certain are correct. Inner Fitness teaches us the skill of "checking" for accuracy. 


There's a woman friend who I haven't spoken to in several months. We are not close friends, so not speaking is not really unusual. But months ago we were in a workshop together. In my opinion, the instructor, who was a friend of hers, lost control of the room to a student dealing with rather intense issues. The room became uncomfortable and felt unsafe. I pulled support staff aside and revealed my discomfort. This did not change the dynamics. Eventually I opted-out of the workshop. A few weeks later I reached out to my friend twice, with no response. My mind nudged me to conclude that she was angry with me. But from my years of personal development work and countless self-help books, I knew that the way things appear is not necessarily the way things are.


Checking for accuracy means sharing YOUR feelings or concerns by revealing to the other person that a lack of clarity exists. I capitalize “YOUR” because checking for accuracy requires you to LEAVE ROOM for the possibility that things are different from the way you see them, and that the conclusions you’ve drawn might be inaccurate.


Checking in and revealing your thoughts can feel like risky business because you become vulnerable. You are showing another person your concerns and insecurities. However, in truth, being emotionally honest is core to Inner Fitness.


As we begin to deeply accept ourselves we choose to accept that our feelings matter. We also choose to be responsible for our feelings. This makes checking for accuracy an important interpersonal skill.


When we care deeply about ourselves we would rather check for accuracy sooner than later, and not subject our precious minds and emotions to the torture of negative “against me thinking.”  We want to see where things are and clean up any misunderstandings so that inner discomfort doesn’t create mountains out of what might be nothing.


Also, as we become practiced in our Inner Fitness, vulnerability ceases to be something we run from. It becomes something we embrace. Thank God I am vulnerable enough to openly care about the quality of my relationships. Thank God I love myself enough to honor my vulnerability. Thank God I can see vulnerability as strength.  If I can stand in front of a vulnerable moment and feel whole and worthy then what on earth can life throw at me that would topple me?  The answer: Nothing. No sadness, pain, loss, or turn of fortune can define you.


When you are centered in your Inner Fitness you are strong and capable. You define challenges simply as LIFE showing up. You learn to trust that you can face any challenge, walk through the discomfort it causes, and actively LOVE rather than judge your Self. 


Back to my friend. I decided to reach out to her. Here’s the email I sent:



I was just thinking of you, fondly. I'm curious. I've reached out to you a couple of times with no response. You could just be busy. Which I totally get!!! But in that we haven't had any communication since the discomfort that happened during the workshop at your home, I want to make sure the energy between us is still good. Clarity and communication are the life I've chosen, so checking in is what I do. Lol. 

I trust you are well. Would love to hear from you. 




Here's her response:  Hi Tina O gosh...good energy between us from my point of view!!! YES...sooo much going on. Husband and I are fine but it seems so many people around me are in distress & in need of support in one way or the other. Love to reconnect with bout lunch one of these days??? 



Enough said?


Checking the accuracy of the story your mind is creating is easier than living with the assumptions, bad feelings, and uncomfortable distance between you and a friend that you might otherwise conjure up. Because of the skill of checking in my friend and I will be sitting down at one of our favorite restaurants, laughing out loud, continuing to strengthen and nurture our relationship. I hope you join us by taking a deep breath and courageously checking in on an assumption that you’ve been living with.


My book "The Little Book of Big Lies" is full of stories that help you turn old inaccuracies (LIES) into truth and personal power.


Let's be well,







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Guest Saturday, 20 September 2014